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post Jan 23 2004, 10:06 PM
Post #1
zeri



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Ma gandeam sa avem si un topic de felul asta...nu de alta dar cate odata ma cam plictisesc pe net si un banc bun ma invioreaza.
Rog sa nu postati decat cate un banc pe post...maxim 2 daca sunt mai mici...sau hai si mai multe daca sunt foarte mici :)
Incep eu (un banc pe care l-am primit pe mail):

Inceputul anului scolar, intr-un liceu din America, diriginta le prezinta clasei un nou coleg: Sakiro Suzuki din Japonia. Incepe ora:
- Sa vedem, cine stie cel mai mult despre istoria Americii. Cine a zis: 'Libertate sau moarte!'?
Tacere de mormant in clasa, numai Suzuki ridica mana:
- Patrick Henry 1775 Philadelphia.
- Bravo Suzuki, si cine a zis: 'Tara este poporul, de aceea poporul nu poate sa moara."?
Suzuki:
- Abraham Lincoln 1863 Washington.
Diriginta se uita peste clasa si zice:
- Mi-e rusine pentru voi, Suzuki vine din Japonia si stie mai multe despre America decat voi! Din spate se aude o voce:
- Pupa-ma-n cur Japo imputit!
- Cine a zis? intreaba diriginta.
Suzuki se ridica si zice:
- Generalul McArthur 1942 la Guadalcanal, si Lee Iacocca 1982 la sedinta actionarilor Chrysler.
In clasa iarasi liniste, numai din spate se aude iara:
- Imi vine sa vomit!
Diriginta striga:
- Cine a fost nemernicul!
Suzuki:
- George Bush senior catre Tanaka ministru japonez in timpul unei mese de serviciu, Tokio 1991.
Un elev se ridica si zice:
- Suge-ma!
Diriginta crizata:
- De ajuns! Cine a fost impertinentul?
Suzuki:
- Bill Clinton catre Monica Lewinsky, 1997 Washington, Casa Alba, Biroul Oval.
Inca un elev se ridica si zicet:
- Suzuki asta e un rahat mare!
Suzuki:
- Valentino Rossi 2002 Brazilia Superbike GP.
In clasa e un haos total, diriginta lesina, se deschide usa si intra directorul:
- Io o adunatura de idioti mai mari ca voi n-am vazut in viata mea!
Suzuki:
- Adrian Nastase catre Tanasescu ministru de finante la o noua sedinta de modificare a bugetului si de creare a noi impozite, Bucuresti 2003


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post Jan 25 2004, 11:35 AM
Post #2
CyBeR



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Zeri,stai ca m-ai bagat in ceata.La ce fel de bancuri te referi?Exista o interdictie,ceva casa asa iti pot scrie de sa te plictisesti.

Un hot intra intr-o casa noaptea.Tip-til pe acolo si la un moment dat aude o voce:
-Iisus te priveste!
Asta speriat,se uita in jur,nu vede nimic si merge mai departe.
-Iisus te priveste!se aude din nou.
De data asta vede un papagal care-i repeta din nou.La un moment dat hotul intreaba:
-Ma,da tu cine te crezi?
-Eu sunt Moise dar sa stii cs Iisus tot de priveste.
-Ce idiot i-ar da papagalului sau numele de Moise?
-Acelasi idiot care i-a pus numele de Iisus buldogului sau.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daca-s bune bancurile de orice fel atunci mai am multe.


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post Jan 25 2004, 11:50 AM
Post #3
chibimox



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din ciclul "sa mai si radem" este binevenit cate un banc pe zi .. dar sa nu se exagereze .. propun o limita de 3 bancuri de persoana pe zi .. exceptii doar daca e unu tare de tot. Acceptate ca banc pot fi si pozele (damn .. trebuie un regulament special aici)

NOTA: pe forumu Diverse nu se vor numara posturile nici cuvintele asa ca nu postati cu acest scop
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post Jan 25 2004, 03:29 PM
Post #4
Ingerasu



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Hmmm... am si eu o colectie de bancuri... de abia astept sa le postez :twisted: .

Iata primul:

"Cum este iadul: exoterm sau endoterm? Motivati si argumentati". Cu cativa ani in urma, la facultatea de Inginerie Chimica a Universitatii din Oklahoma la examenul de "Termodinamica, Caldura si Transfer de Masa", dr. Schlambaug profesor de termodinamica a dat urmatorul subiect de examen: "Cum este iadul: exoterm sau endoterm? Motivati si argumentati". Simtind caracterul cu umor al temei, majoritatea studentilor au incercat sa demonstreze "ceva" folosind legea lui Boyle sau alte legi ale termodinamicii. Studentul Michael Colb a dat insa urmatorul raspuns original: In primul rand trebuie postulat ca "daca sufletul exista, el trebuie sa aiba in mod obligatoriu o masa proprie". Daca sufletul are o anumita masa atunci si un mol de suflete trebuie sa aiba o anumita masa molara. Pentru a stabili daca in iad avem sau nu de a face cu un transfer de masa de suflete, trebuie determinat in ce proportie ajung sufletele in iad si in ce masura mai pleaca ele de acolo. Este justificat sa acceptam ipoteza conform careia " toate sufletele ajung in iad si ele nu mai pleaca de acolo". Justificare: In ceea ce priveste sufletele care ajung in iad, trebuie sa avem in vedere conceptele diferitelor religii din lume. Unele religii sustin ca daca nu esti membru al acelei religii vei ajunge in iad. Din moment ce ce exista mai multe asemenea religii, deducem ca toti oamenii si toate sufletele ajung in iad. Considerand rata de inalta crestere a populatiei Terrei si faptul ca pana la urma toti murim, deducem ca numarul de suflete din iad este in continua crestere. Daca se analizeaza cu atentie rata de modificare a volumului iadului, se poate constata faptul ca potrivit legii lui Boyle, "pentru ca temperatura si presiunea sa fie constante, raportul dintre masa sufletelor si volumul iadului trebuie sa fie constant". * Ipoteza 1: Daca iadul se dilata mai incet decat se umple cu suflete, sau nu se dilata deloc atunci temperatura si presiunea vor creste pana cand iadul va exploda in bucati; * Ipoteza 2: Daca iadul se dilata mai repede decat se umple cu suflete atunci temperatura si presiunea vor scadea pana cand iadul va ingheta complet. In aceste conditii se pune problema care poate fi raspunsul corect la intrebarea initiala. Daca se accepta postulatul oferit de Teresa Banyai, studenta in anul I de la facultatea de litere, potrivit caruia "mai repede ingheata iadul decat sa ma culc cu tine", si avand in vedere faptul ca pana acum eu nu am reusit sa am o relatie sexuala cu ea, atunci ipoteza 2 nu poate fi corecta. In concluzie: Iadul este exoterm. Studentul Michal Colb a fost singurul care a luat nota 10.

P.S. http://img.tapuz.co.il/forums/20354349.htm


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post Jan 25 2004, 03:51 PM
Post #5
Ingerasu



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IRC Bible...

* Jehova has joined #Eden
<Jehova> Now, let's make that man.
* Jehova models some dust and clay
* Jehova breaths in the nostrils
<Jehova> That should do the trick
* Adam has joined #Eden
<Adam> w00t
<Jehova> quite
<Jehova> listen up, adam
<Jehova> I got some trees up there, and one of them is Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil
<Jehova> If you eat from that tree, I'll kickban your ass
<Adam> k, dude, relax
<Jehova> Almost forgot, I have some companions for you
* Bunch_of_animals has joined #Eden
Boo, hiss, rattle
<Adam> Jeez, great
<Jehova> erm, Adam
<Jehova> You're not supposed to do that with a chicken
<Jehova> nm, I'll create another companion for you
<Jehova> You go to sleep now
* Adam is now known as Adam|zZz
* Jehova takes Adam|zZz's rib and builds a woman
<Jehova> there
* Eve has joined #Eden
<Adam|zZz> w00t!!1
* Adam|zZz is now known as Adam
<Adam> ASL?
<Eve> newborn, female, eden!
<Adam> omg! me too, but male
<Eve> omfg! you're nekkid!
<Adam> so what! your too!
<Eve> lol
* Jehova sighs
<Jehova> bbl
* Jehova has left #Eden
* Serpent has joined #Eden
<Serpent> Pssst! he said you can't eat the fruit?
<Eve> Yeah, so?
<Serpent> lol, u wont die, eat a fruit!
* Eve munches
<Eve> You eat too, Adam, or I won't go down on you
<Adam> mmm-kay
* Adam munches
<Adam> OMFG WERE NEKKID!!!1
<Eve> NOOO, WTF!
<Adam> I feel so drrrty
<Serpent> lmao
* Jehova has joined #Eden
<Jehova> what have you done?
<Eve> it was the serpent!
<Jehova> Serpent, schmerpent!
<Adam> really!
* Jehova sets mode: -v Serpent
<Jehova> fs
* Jehova sets mode: +b Adam!*adam@host1.10.1.genesis.com
* Jehova sets mode: +b Eve!*eve@host1.10.2.genesis.com
* Adam was kicked by Jehova (Get out!)
* Eve was kicked by Jehova (Get out!)
* Jehova changes topic to "and stay out!"
* Flamingsword has joined #Eden
* Jehova has left IRC (signed off)


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Clubul de GO Saijo Bucuresti: http://www.saijo-club.com

Siteul meu... deocamdata doar galeria functioneaza :): http://www.tenshi-do.com
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post Jan 25 2004, 09:28 PM
Post #6
Ingerasu



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Check this out:


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post Jan 26 2004, 01:57 PM
Post #7
Lumpy



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Examenul de Fizica
Intrebare la un examen de fizica la universitatea din Copenhaga:
Cum se poate masura inaltimea unei cladiri cu un barometru?

Raspuns 1
Se masoara lungimea barometrului, se leaga barometrul cu o sfoara si se coboara de pe acoperisul cladirii; inaltimea cladirii = lungimea barometrului + lungimea sforii. Studentul a fost dat afara de la
examen. Acesta a depus o contestatie care a fost acceptata pentru ca s-a considerat ca intrebarea nu impunea o anumita solutie. Dar cum raspunsul sau nu putea edifica examinatorul asupra cunostintelor de fizica dobandite la cursul respectiv, o noua examinare a avut loc.

Raspuns 2
Se arunca barometrul de pe cladire si se masoara timpul pana la impactul cu solul.
Inaltimea cladirii = (g*t^2)/2
(examinatorul solicita o alta solutie)

Raspuns 3
Daca este o zi insorita, se aseaza barometru pe cladire si se masoara umbra de pe sol.
Cunoscand lungimea barometrului si a umbrei, totul se reduce la o simpla problema de asemanare (examinatorul solicita o alta solutie)

Raspuns 4
Se leaga barometrul cu o sfoara si este lasat sa oscileze liber la sol si pe cladire.
Cum perioada de oscilatie depinde de acceleratia gravitationala ("g"), se poate masura inaltimea cladirii in functie de variatia "g".
(examinatorul solicita o alta solutie, si atrage atentia studentului ca este ultima sa sansa)

Raspuns 5
Solutia pe care o asteptati de la mine banuiesc ca este masurarea presiunii la sol si pe cladire - presiune care variaza cu inaltimea - si determinarea inaltimii cladirii in functie de variatia de presiune. Dar aceasta este o solutie de-a dreptul plicticoasa, de aceea va mai propun una:

Raspuns 6
Se poate propune administratorului cladirii un targ avantajos: Imi puteti spune in schimbul acestui frumos barometru care aste inaltimea cladirii...?

Studentul acesta a fost Nils Bohr, singurul absolvent al universitatii din Copenhaga laureat al premiului Nobel !

Internal Note
To: All Romanian Speaking Staff
Subject: Improper Language Usage


It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our office in Romania that offensive language is commonly used by our Romanian speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:

1. Words like "f*tui", "?n p*la mea", "p*la" and other such expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.
2. You will not say "si-a bagat p*la" when someone makes a mistake, or "s-a c***t pe el" if you see someone being reprehended, or "baga-mi-as", when a major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb "a se c**a" and "a se f*te" are utterly inappropriate and unacceptable in our environment.
3. No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances will be referred to as "p*la de om", "c*c*naru'" or "boul".
4. Lack of determination will not be referred to as "p*lalau" nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as "m*iangiu".
5. Unusual or creative ideas offered by management are not to be referred to as "porcarii".
6. Do not say "f*tu-ti mata" if somebody is persistent; do not add "p*la mea", if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say "am pus-o" (refer to item 2) nor "o sa ne-o traga" when a matter becomes excessively complicated.
7. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say "du-te-n p*la mea" nor should you ever substitute "May I help you?" with "ce p*la mea vrei"?
8. Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial partners "bosorogi ?mputiti".
9. Do not say "ia mai mereti-n p*la cu cacatu'" asta when a relevant project is presented to you, nor should you ever answer "f*tu-te-n cur" when your assistance is required.
10. You should never call partner representatives as "boul dracului" or "tampitu' ala".
11. The sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms such as "p**dulica buna, f*taciosu'" or "homalau' lu' peste".
12. Last but not least, after reading this note, please do not say "ma sterg la c*r cu textul asta".

Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.
Thank you.


La inceput a fost calculatorul. Si Dumnezeu a spus:
C:>Let there be light!
Enter user id.
C:>God
Enter password.
C:>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
C:>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
C:>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C:>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:>Create light
Done.
C:>Run heaven_and_earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 > errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 2.
C:> Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:>Create firmament
Done.
C:>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 > errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 3.
C:> Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one
place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in the specification string. Try again.
C:>Create dry_land
Done.
C:>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 > errors.
And God looged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 4.
C:>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:>Create sun_moon_stars
Done.
C:>Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day
and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0
errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 5.
C:>Create fish
Done.
C:>Create fowl
Done.
C:>Create cattle
Done.
C:>Create creepy_things
Done.
C:>Run fish, fowl, cattle, creepy_things
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepth werewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 6.
C:>Now let us make man in our image.
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:>Create man
Done.
C:>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue
it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the
fish in the sea and over every living thing that creepeth upon
the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
C:>Run multiplication
Execution teminated. 6 errors.
C:>Insert breath
Done.
C:>Run multiplication
Execution teminated. 5 errors.
C:>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
C:>Create Garden.edn
Done.
C:>Run multiplication
Execution teminated. 4 errors.
C:>Copy woman from man
Done.
C:>Run multiplication
Execution teminated. 2 errors.
C:>Create desire
Done.
C:>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 > errors.
C:>Create freewill
Done.
C:>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 > errors.
C:>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is a inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 > errors.
C:>Create good, evil
Done.
C:>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 > errors.
C:>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
C:>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:>Stop
Unrecognizaable command. Try again.
C:>Break
C:>Break
C:>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
C:>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
C:>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: please confirm.
C:>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8
AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.


A doua parte am cenzurat-o eu...sper sa nu fie pre vulgara daca da o sa editez post-ul... :D
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post Jan 26 2004, 09:30 PM
Post #8
Uje



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Am avut parte de un ras bun citind thread-ul asta :lol:
Adaug si eu un banc :
Un tip vrea sa-si cumpere o motocicleta de la sh. Vanzatorul il avertizeaza ca saua nu sta bine si ca va avea probleme de fiecare data cand va ploua dar poate sa le rezolve ungand saua cu vaselina. Tipul se decide sa o cumpere in ciuda defectului pt ca totusi o lua la un pret bun. In aceeasi seara trebuia sa se intalneasca cu parintii prietenei lui la cina. Ajuns in fata casei este intampinat de prietena lui care il avertizeaza: "Ai grija ca in timpul cinei sa nu sufli o vorba. Am facut un pact si primul care scoate un cuvant din gura spala vasele". Ajungand in casa tipul isi da seama ca prietena lui nu glumea. Toti taceau ca pestii. Dupa un timp, ca sa-si bata joc un pic de faza cu tacutul, tipul o insfaca pe prietena lui, o pune pe masa si face sex cu ea. Tipa nitel rusinata, mama mai-mai sa lesine, tatal rosu la fata, dar, Dumnezeu sa trasneasca, nimeni nu scotea o vorba!! Dupa inca o juma de ora, tipul o ia si pe mama prietenei si face sex cu ea pe masa. Mama satisfacuta, prietena geloasa pana peste cap, tatal scotea fum pe nari si urechi, dar tot nu suflau o vorba.
Dupa cateva minute incepu sa ploua. Tipul, aducandu-si aminte de problema cu saua, scoate repede vaselina din rucsac, se scoala rapid de pe scaun, la care tatal se ridica si tipa exasperat: Bine, spal eu afurisitele de vase!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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post Jan 27 2004, 01:29 PM
Post #9
Lumpy



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Cum sa interpretam un C.V.
persoana sociabila = cum poate, dispare de la birou
capacitate de prezentare remarcarbila = nu-i bun de nimic
capacitate de comunicare remarcabila = sta pe telefon toata ziua
angajat de capacitate medie = nu prea e bun de nimic
pregatire remarcabila = in ultimul timp nu a mai facut nici o tampenie majora
munca are o importanta deosebita pentru el = nu retine datele
traieste o viata sociala activa = bea ca porcu'
familia lui traieste o viata sociala activa = si aia beau ca porcii
munceste independent = nimeni - niciodata nu stie ce face el de fapt
gandeste rapid = gaseste scuze foarte credibile pentru orice gandeste precaut = nu vrea sa ia decizii
agresiv = respingator
rezolva logic problemele dificile = paseaza orice e de facut altcuiva
se exprima foarte bine = vorbeste in limba romana
acorda o importanta sporita detaliilor = baga tot ce gaseste in buzunar
prezinta capacitate de conducator = e gras si zbiara tot timpul
are simtul umorului = cunoaste cateva bancuri stupide si dezgustatoare
isi construieste carierea constient = e un mare lingau
e loial = nu ar gasi de lucru altundeva
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post Jan 27 2004, 09:09 PM
Post #10
zeri



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Nice...this is getting better and better. Mai postati ca ma distrez :D

Inca unu de la mine: (merita citit)


Subject: The Best Resignation Letter Ever...

An actual letter of resignation from an employee of Zantex Computers, USA to her boss (who apparently resigned very soon afterwards).....

Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you
happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you many options.
You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day,shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have that sharp-dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the green-blue algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however
I have a few parting thoughts.
1) When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal
for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment". I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you will
be unable to do it on your own.
2) I have all the passwords to every account in the system and I know every password that you have used for the past five years.
If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me back up your useless files.
I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by
the administration.
3) When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are.
Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, as I hate having to correct your mistakes).
Thank-you for your time and I expect the letter of recommendation on
my desk by 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never f*** with your systems administrator.
Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecilia


--------------------
I thought Abriels don't cry
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post Jan 28 2004, 03:23 PM
Post #11
Elf Princess



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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I would like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that
what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"Well, no, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, I suppose it isn't really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.


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post Jan 28 2004, 04:27 PM
Post #12
Kataracta



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Intr-o zi, o directoare de succes de la resurse umane a fost calcata de un autobuz in timp ce se plimba si a murit. Sufletul ei a fost intampinat la portzile Raiului de catre Sf. Petru in persoana.
- Bine ai venit in Rai. Dar inainte sa te instalezi, se pare ca avem o problema. Vezi tu, n-am mai avut niciodata un director de la resurse umane care sa ajunga pana aici si nu suntem prea siguri ce sa facem cu tine.
- Nici o problema, doar lasati-ma inauntru.
- As vrea eu, dar am ordine de sus. Vei petrece o zi in Iad si una in Rai shi apoi vei alege in care din ele vei vrea sa-ti petreci eternitatea.
- De fapt eu m-am decis. Prefer sa raman in Rai.
- Imi pare rau, regulile sunt reguli.
Si astfel Sf. Petru o pune intr-un lift si s-a dus direct in Iad.
Usile s-au deschis shi ea s-a gasit calcand pe iarba verde a unui teren de golf minunat. Mai departe era un local si in fata ei erau toti prietenii ei - directori cu care lucrase si toti o aclamau.
Au alergat toti spre ea, au sarutat-o pe ambii obraji si au discutat despre vremurile trecute. Au jucat o runda excelenta de golf apoi, seara s-au duc in local unde a mancat o cina excelenta formata din friptura si homar. A facut cunostinta si cu Diavolul, care era de fapt un tip de treaba (chiar dragut) si s-a distrat de minune spunand bancuri si dansand. Toti au dat mana cu ea si si-au ramas bun in timp ce se urca in lift.
Urmatoarele 24 de ore si le-a petrecut in Rai odihnindu-se pe nori si cantand la harpa. S-a distrat de minune, si cele 24 de ore au trecut au trecut farasa-si dea seama. Sf.Petru a venit si a luat-o.
- Deci, ai petrecut o zi in Iad si una in Rai. Acum alegeti eternitatea.
- Nu credeam c-am sa spun asta, adica, in Rai a fost beton, dar cred ca m-am simtit mai bine in Iad. Asa ca Sf.Petru a escortat-o la lift, care s-a reintors in Iad. Cand usile s-au deschis, l-a gasit stand intr-un peisaj dezolant, pustiu, acoperit cu gunoi si mizerie. Prietenii ei erau imbracatz in zdrente si colectau gunoiul in saci. Diavolul a venit si el si si-a pus bratul in jurul ei.
- Nu inteleg, spuse femeia tremurand, ieri cand am fost aici era un
teren de golf shi un local unde am mancat homar, am dansat si m-am simtzit bine. Acum nu mai e decat pustiu si gunoi,iar prietenii mei sunt toti mizerabili. Diavolul s-a uitat la ea si a zambit.
- Ieri te recrutam. Azi esti angajata...


--------------------
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and save the butterflies...

It's rational until you realize that by striving for it, you become a spider yourself ...
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post Jan 29 2004, 04:19 PM
Post #13
Elf Princess



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part 1:
Esti betziv cand...

1. Ai discuţii ?n contradictoriu cu obiectele din jur şi mai şi pierzi.
2. Trebuie să te ţii de asfalt ca să nu cazi de pe trotuar.
3. Serviciul te ?mpiedică să bei destul.
4. Doctorul tau găseşte s?nge ?n alcool la analize.
5. Scaunul de la WC se loveşte repetat şi cu ?nverşunare de capul tău.
6. Ajungi să crezi că alcoolul e una dintre grupele de alimente.
7. 24 de ore pe zi, 24 de beri ?ntr-o ladă - coincidenţă? S-o crezi tu!
8. Două m?ini şi doar o gură - asta chiar că e o problemă cu băutura.
9. Vezi mai bine dacă ţii un ochi ?nchis.
10. Nenorocita aia de parcare s-a mutat mai ?ncolo c?t erai tu ?n c?rciumă.
11. Cazi de pe podea.
12. Pe băieţii tăi ?i cheamă Tuborg şi Heineken.
13. Auzi, ştii ce, dă-o-ncolo de masă de seară, 5 beri fac c?t o friptură cu cartofi prăjiţi.
14. Ţ?nţarii ?ncep să zboare aiurea după ce te-nţeapă pe tine.
15. Te trezeşti ?n dormitor, chiloţii s?nt ?n baie, adormi ?mbrăcat...
16. Toată c?rciuma te salută c?nd intri ?năuntru.
17. Ai impresia că cele patru grupe de alimente s?nt cofeina, nicotina, alcoolul şi femeile.
18. Pisica vecinului devine tot mai apetisantă, pe zi ce trece.
19. Zoe Petre arată bine.
20. Nu-ţi recunoşti nevasta dec?t dacă te uiţi la ea printr-un fund de pahar.
21. Bestia aia de elefănţel roz iar te-a urmărit p?n-acasă.
23. Ai ajuns la punctu' asta si nu ai vazut ca 22 lipseste si in plus te-ai regasit prin cateva din punctele de mai sus...

2:

Mai multi barbati in vestiarul de la sala de fitness. Deodata un cellular incepe sa sune pe o banca. Un barbat raspunde:
- Alo!
- Iubire, eu sunt, se aude o voce de femeie.
- Oh, draga mea!
- Esti la sala?
- Da.
- Ce bine. Sint la numai doua strazi de tine. Am vazut aici o blana persiana excelenta. Tare imi place. Pot sa o cumpar?
- Cat costa?
- Numai 1500 de dolari.
- Aaa..., bine, cumpara-o daca iti place...
- Oh, iubire, sa vezi ca inainte sa vin aici m-am oprit la reprezentanta Mercedes, si m-am uitat la modelele expuse. Era una care era extraordinara. Am vorbit cu vanzatorul si mi-a aratat o oferta foarte avantajoasa. Si..., stii, m-am gandit ca ar trebui sa schimbam BMW-ul de anu' trecut...
- Cat e?
- Numai $80,000!
- Bine, dar alege una care sa aiba tot ce se poate extra.
- Da, si inainte sa inchid, inca un lucru...
- Ce?
- S-ar putea sa fie prea mult, dar am verificat contul de la banca si... Azi dimineata m-am oprit la agentia de vanzari imobiliare si sa vezi ca e de vanzare casa aceea care ne-a placut asa de mult mai demult... Iti amintesti? Cu piscina, parc si in spate cu plaja de ocean.
- Cat se cere?
- Numai $450,000... e un pret excelent si stiu ca avem atatia bani ca sa ne-o putem permite...
- Bine, mergi si cumpar-o, dar inainte ofera-le numai 420,000 de dolari...
- Bine, draga. Mersi. Ne intalnim mai tarziu. Te iubesc mult.
- Si eu te iubesc. Pa.
Barbatul inchide, respira adanc si ridica telefonul in aer si intreaba:
- Nu stie careva a cui e telefonul asta?


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post Jan 29 2004, 10:25 PM
Post #14
kaoru



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well....


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"Nindyn vel'uss kyorl ninta ratha thalra streea dal l' alust" > Drow dictionary << pentru cine stie si vrea.
user posted image user posted image
http://shyntakun.deviantart.com/ << my work
>>colectia mea de figurine<<
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post Jan 29 2004, 11:53 PM
Post #15
Ingerasu



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One beautiful December evening, Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting beside the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon when Huan Cho said "Hey Baby, let's play WeeWeeChu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon", said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby, let's you and I play weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I'd rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play WeeWeeChu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "OK, we'll play WeeWeeChu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and the both sang....

"WeeWeeChu a Merry Christmas, WeeWeeChu a Merry Christmas, WeeWeeChu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."



http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/madeapoop/madeapoop.swf



Jesus was getting more and more annoyed at the drugs problem on Earth. He called an emergency meeting with his apostles and after a few
hours, they all decided that they needed more information. So the apostles volunteered to go on earth and to bring back samples of each drug. After a few days, the apostles start coming back.

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Paul."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Paul?"
- "Haschich from Morrocco."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Marc."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Marc?"
- "Marijuana from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Matthew?"
- "Cocaine from Columbia."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, John?"
- "Ecstasy from Montreal."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Luke."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Luke?"
- "Speed from Amsterdam."
- "Excellent, come in."

- "Who's there?"
- "It's Judas."
Jesus opens the door.
- "What did you bring back, Judas?"
- "FBI!!! Everyone against the wall!"


--------------------
Domo

Clubul de GO Saijo Bucuresti: http://www.saijo-club.com

Siteul meu... deocamdata doar galeria functioneaza :): http://www.tenshi-do.com
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post Jan 30 2004, 12:01 AM
Post #16
Ingerasu



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Noul cod rutier bucurestean


Daca ai masina, trebuie sa inveti sa o conduci ca un bucurestean. In momentul in care te urci la volan, trebuie sa uiti tot ce ai invatat la scoala de soferi (daca ai facut-o). Numai fraierii conduc ca la carte. In practica, regulile se modifica dupa cum urmeaza :


Oprirea si stationarea :

Poti sa opresti unde vrei si sa stationezi cat vrei, cu conditia sa:

a) nu fie vreun politist prin apropriere;

B) sa pui luminile de avarie, daca ai chef. Daca nu ai chef, se tine cont numai de punctul anterior. Atunci cand vrei sa stationezi in dreptul statiilor mijloacelor de transport in comun, pui masina pe trotuar, chiar in statie, in asa fel incat sa nu incomodezi respectivele mijloace de transport ci numai pe calatorii care le asteapta.


Parcarea se executa tinand cont de urmatoarele reguli:

1) Daca exista o parcare fara plata cu locuri libere chiar in fata locului in care vrei sa ajungi, parcheaza acolo. Daca nu, aplica punctul 2.

2) Daca exista o parcare "cu plata" si cu locuri libere chiar in fata locului unde vrei sa intri, ignor-o si aplica punctul 3.

3) Daca nu exista o parcare sau in cazul de la punctul 2, parcheaza masina pe trotuar. Parcarea pe trotuar fa-o in asa fel incit sa se ocupe toata latimea trotuarului si pietonii sa fie nevoiti sa coboare pe partea carosabila sau sa se subtieze ca foaia de hartie, intre masina si zid. In caz ca dintr-un motiv sau altul, nu poti sa parchezi pe trotuar aplica punctul 4.

4) Daca exista un loc de parcare langa trotuar - paralel cu bordura, opreste, stationeaza si/sau parcheaza cit mai departe de bordura, daca se poate, perpendicular pe bordura, in asa fel incat masinile care circula pe partea carosabila sa aiba prilejul sa iti ocoloeasca masina intrand pe contrasens. Este de preferat sa parchezi cat mai aproape de coltul strazii. In cazul in care nu mai e loc langa bordura, aplica punctul urmator.

5) Parcheaza in paralel cu masinile deja parcate linga bordura.

6) In cazul in care nu te afli in nici una din descrise anterior, parcheaza in fata intrarii intr-un garaj, langa un stilp cu oprirea interzisa sau oriunde altundeva. Dupa ce parchezi, trage frana de mina si pune alarma. Regleaza-ti alarma in asa fel incit sa urle la trecerea oricarui pieton pe langa masina. Sirena va trebui sa sune nu mai putin de 15 minute. Efectul
este mai distractiv daca te afli intr-o zona rezidentiala mai linistita.



II. Prioritatea

In Bucuresti exista urmatoarele tipuri de prioritate:

a) prioritatea de dreapta (optionala) - se aplica numai in cazul in care tu esti cel care vine din dreapta;

B) prioritate de tramvai;

c) prioritate de camion;

d) prioritate de taxi;

e) prioritate de smecher. Prioritatea de smecher se obtine prin unul din procedeele "ia-i fata", "baga-te cu tupeu", "taie-i calea" si "ia mai da-l dracului, ca n-o sa stau aici toata ziua".

Pietonii NU au prioritate niciodata.

Daca in timp ce conduci vezi o femeie ca trece strada prin fata ta, scoate capul pe geam si urla: "faaaaaaa, masina calca, nu fu**!". Tipa isi va da seama de greseala si iti va multumi ca ai facut-o atenta iar colegii tai de drum isi vor da seama ca esti spiritual si amuzant.



III. Alte sfaturi la fel de utile :

Daca vrei sa fii un bucurestean veritabil trebuie sa tii cont de urmatoarele recomandari privind circulatia pe drumurile publice:

Semnificatia culorilor semaforului:

- verde - treci fara probleme

- galben: repede ca se pune rosu,

- rosu: repede, ca e ultima sansa pana sa le dea drumul celorlalti.



-Daca este coada la stop dupa un sir lung de masini, iti recomandam tehnica "sirului shuntat". In acest scop, mergi pe contrasens pe toata lungimea cozii, pana ajungi la stop si apoi in virtutea prioritatii de smecher (vezi si punctul anterior) reintri in coloana, in pole position.

-Daca te afli al doilea la semafor, in secunda in care apare culoarea verde, trebuie sa apesi pe claxon, cat mai lung si mai insistent, pentru a-l zori pe mocaitul din fata. Un claxon viguros este expresia unei personalitati puternice deci, nu ezita!

-Daca esti prima masina de la stop si cineva te claxoneaza imediat cum se pune verde, opreste motorul, ia-ti bita de baseball (obligatorie, se tine sub scaun), da-te jos din masina, du-te la cel care te-a claxonat si sparge-i fata.

- Pe timp de noapte circula obligatoriu cu faza lunga. Poti folosi faza lunga si ziua, atunci cand mergi cu viteza.

- Daca circuli noaptea si o masina vine din fata cu faza lunga, baga-i si tu faza lunga in fata, de cateva ori, intermitent. Farurile cu halogen dau efecte atat distractive cat si psihedelice.

- Daca inaintea ta se afla cineva cu o masina care merge mai incet claxoneaza-l si baga-i faza lunga in ochi: sa se duca dracului acasa daca are masina si merge ca mortu'. Folositi claxonul cit mai mult, mai nervos si in mai multe tonalitati. Injura cu sete. Arata-i degetul mijlociu. Intai mana stanga, apoi ambele - in Bucuresti se poate conduce tinand volanul cu genunchii. Daca nu stii sa injuri, nu esti sofer. Daca nu stii sa injuri 20 de minute in sir fara sa te repeti, nu esti sofer bucurestean.

- Cind ploua, va puteti face ziua mai vesela trecind in viteza cu masina prin baltoace in asa fel incit sa improscati cit mai multi pietoni, sau unul dar bine. Daca improscati pietoni aflati in travesare regulamentara pe zebra, obtineti un bonus de stil.

- Dupa ce goliti sticla de suc, sau terminati de mestecat guma, aruncati-le pe fereastra pentru ca ocupa prea mult loc in masina. Acelasi lucru este valabil si pentru mucurile de tigari, seminte, PET-uri sau sticlele de bere.

- Daca aveti masina noua, de preferinta BMW, trebuie sa asculati muzica romaneasca dind boxele la maxim si deschizind ferestrele masinii, in asa fel incit, pe de o parte sa se poata bucura si ceilalti de CD-ul dvs. cu Adrian Copiulul Minune si Blondy.

- Daca masina este romaneasca, decorati-o pe dinauntru cu mileuri, franjuri, fanioane de fotbal, carnetele cu coperti cu femei etc. Un CD atirnat de oglinda retrovizoare este culmea rafinamentului. Daca nu va permiteti CD-uri, o pereche de zaruri mari da la fel de bine.


--------------------
Domo

Clubul de GO Saijo Bucuresti: http://www.saijo-club.com

Siteul meu... deocamdata doar galeria functioneaza :): http://www.tenshi-do.com
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post Jan 30 2004, 11:03 AM
Post #17
Elf Princess



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Plecasem din Constanta spre Bucuresti. M-am oprit la benzinarie sa folosesc toaleta. Prima cabina era ocupata, asa ca am intrat in a doua. Abia m-am asezat, cand aud din cabina cealalta:
-Salut, ce faci?
Nu fac parte dintre aceia care intra in discutii intr-un WC, dar acum am raspuns:
-Destul de bine!
La care tipul intreaba:
-Incotro mergi?
Ce intrebare! Discutia incepea sa fie bizara, asa ca am raspuns scurt:
-Bucuresti!
La care vecinul, mai nervos, spune:
-Auzi, fii atent! Te sun mai tarziu, ca am un dobitoc in cabina alaturata care-mi raspunde la toate intrebarile. Pa!


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post Jan 30 2004, 01:48 PM
Post #18
Lumpy



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Pentru cei care gusta unul sec!
====================
| Daca decupati acest cupon, |
| puteti cumpara un nou |
| monitor ! |
====================
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post Jan 30 2004, 02:04 PM
Post #19
Kataracta



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Bogati si saraci

Un tip stilat, elegant, la costum iese dintr-un supermarket impingand un cos plin ochi de marfuri si mancaruri gurmande de toate felurile: sampanie, somon, caviar, mezeluri, etc. In momentul in care se apropie de port-bagajul Jaguarului sau, observa un om rahitic care umbla de colo-colo prin parcare rupand ierburi ce cresteau la imbinarea dintre carsabil si bordura.

Bogatul: - Domnule, dar ce facetzi aici?
Saracul: - Adun iarba ca sa mananc. Trebuie sa duc si acasa ca nu mai avem nimic.
B: - Adevarat?! Daca-mi permiteti, poftitzi cartea mea de vizita si venitzi sa mancatzi la mine acasa.
S: - E frumos din partea dumneavoastra, domnule, dar am si nevasta si 8 copii... In fine...
B: - Dar binentzeles! Venitzi cu familia dumneavoastra!
S: - Chiar ca suntetzi dragutz! Numai ca din copii, unii sunt deja casatoritzi, au si ei copii...
B: - Va rog, aducetzi-i pe totzi!
S: - Sigur nu va deranjeaza?! ...pentru ca mai sunt sorele si cumnatzii mei, suntem destul de multzi.
B: - V-am spus, insist, imi va face placere! La mine acasa iarba e uite-asa, daca suntetzi multzi cu atat mai bine - in 3 ore terminatzi!


--------------------
Kill the spiders...
and save the butterflies...

It's rational until you realize that by striving for it, you become a spider yourself ...
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post Jan 30 2004, 02:48 PM
Post #20
The_Fool_on_the_Hill



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Member No.: 44
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Undeva in USA, intr-o zi, un client al unui aprozar
oarecare ceru sa cumpere o jumatate de varza.
"Nu putem sa va taiem varza! Jumatatea ramasa se va
distruge si n-o vom mai putea vinde!!", replica
vanzatorul.
"Pe mine nu ma intereseaza, eu vreau o jumatate de
varza!", replica tafnos clientul.
"Asteptati sa vorbesc cu seful!", raspunse
vanzatorul. "Poate rezolvam ceva pentru
dumneavoastra..."
"Sefu' ! E un imbecil afara care vrea sa ia o
jumatate de varza!" ...si simtind o privire rece in
ceafa se intoarse si observa clientul care intrase
si-l privea chioras... "iar acest amabil domn s-a
oferit sa cumppere cealalta jumatate!"
Managerul si-a dat acceptul si clientul a plecat cu
jumatatea lui de varza. Imediat dupa acest episod,
managerul il chema pe vanzator in biroul lui si-i
zise: "Mi-a placut cum ai iesit din incurcatura!
Esti un baiat descurcaret si cu mintea ascutita! De
unde esti de fel?"
"Din Canada, sefu!"
"Canada? Pai si ce cauti tocmai aici, in SUA?"
"Pai ce sa fac acasa sefu'? Aia e o tara plina de
curve si de programatori!"
"Asaa? Tu stii ca nevasta-mea e canadianca?"
"Aaaa... Si lucreaza la Microsoft, nu?"


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